The holidays are looming.
Some of you out there have already made your list, checked it twice and bought gifts for all those who have been naughty and nice. There are gals who have their holiday meals planned with grocery lists at the ready. Others have already began creating a magnificent Pinterest centerpiece with hopes that guests will talk about it for centuries to come.
If you fall into that category, more power to you sister. You should invite us over for Christmas. I will bring a store-bought veggie tray, and maybe some Wal-Mart cupcakes.
I like beautiful Christmas décor. I love eating delicious food. But girls, we are Army wives. As Household 6, we have enough to do without adding more hoopla to our holiday plate. Society’s Pinterest expectations can only be met when the Army/kids/husband are all in sync.
Around our house, sometimes the only things “in sync” are the dirty dishes. #SeeWhatIDidThere?
If you ever celebrate the holidays at our house and everything is magazine-ish-styled-gourmet-matchy-matchy, just assume my dormant craft/cooking skills blossomed after one too many cups of eggnog.
Perhaps you identify. If so, never fear. I have found a way to work smarter instead of harder this holiday season. All it takes is a bit of creativity, a great sense of humor and refined excuse-making skills.
Now presenting: 9 Humorous Holiday Hacks
1. “Arrrggghhh!! I am almost done wrapping these gifts but am four inches short of having enough paper. The stores are closed and I have to give this gift tomorrow.”
Hack: Use newspaper, old magazines, or even the kid’s used coloring book pages if you are desperate. If anyone questions your methods, simply say that you decided to “Go Green.”
2.“I tried a new recipe and it tastes funky. It is still edible and safe for consumption (I think), but definitely tastes weird.”
Hack: Tell everyone that you wanted to “experiment” with a new type of eating like Vegan or Whole30. If you don’t want to risk them calling you out, (“Wait, Paleo doesn’t use cheese and this thing is smothered with it!”) claim that you are trying to eat “healthier” or that the dish is a “tradition” passed down for 35 generations. If you are really feeling salty, invent a new type of cuisine on the spot. Do this by spelling a holiday food backward and stating it is from a random country. “Yeah, this is called ‘Yekrut’ from Morocco.”
3. “I gave my sister a pair of blaze orange Crocs and it was just awkward.”
Hack: When a gift is not well-received, always have a sentimental story on standby. “Sis, don’t you remember when we went to the zoo as kids? You were wearing an orange blazer and your favorite animals were the crocodiles.”
4. “The guests are arriving any minute and my dessert didn’t set up/got dropped/tastes like my husband’s foot smells!”
Hack: Adopt the mantra, “When in doubt, thaw it out.” Chances are, most of your guests won’t be able to tell the difference (or care) that your pecan pie is store bought. If someone extends a compliment, modestly respond by saying, “Hey thanks. I got the recipe from my friend Sara (Lee) who got it from her sister Betty (Crocker.)”
5.“I tried to get all crafty with the decorations, but now it just looks like Hobby Lobby puked all over my dining room.”
Hack: This is the easiest cover-up in the book. Say your kids helped with making decorations this year. Go into extensive detail about how absolutely adorable they looked in the process. “Little Johnny was so focused that his sweet nose wrinkled and Sally said the glitter was elf workshop dust.” If you don’t have tiny humans of your own, say you were babysitting the neighbor’s kids and the holiday spirit just took over.
6.“Sigh. My kid was ‘that kid’ at the school Christmas program. He/she wouldn’t stop picking nose/pulling out a wedgie/<insert other embarrassing moment here.>”
Hack: Shake it off, friend. Kids will be kids. If someone tries to make you feel bad, just say that you have been encouraging your little ones to be themselves, boogers and wedgies included. You can also blame their behavior on a TV commercial that blipped on the screen before you could change the channel.
7.“Oh no! Someone got me a gift and I didn’t get them anything! I feel terrible!”
Hack: Two words… Gift Card. Always have on hand a spare gift card to a favorite coffee shop, restaurant or better yet—Target. When someone unexpectedly gives you a gift, receive it graciously then sneak off to the restroom. Whip out the card that you have already placed in a festive holiday envelope, possibly decorated by your “children” (See Hack #5.) Quickly scribble their name on it. If you don’t have a pen, lip/eye liner will do. Bonus: Create a sentimental story to enhance gift credibility. (See Hack #3.)
8. “I totally botched my lines in the Christmas play. I am not sure what I said, but I think it was a quote from ‘Scrubs’ instead of something they said at the manger scene in Bethlehem.”
Hack: Casually mention that you are taking an improv class and whatever you said during the play “Just felt right.” All those Saturdays pretending to be the next “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” star are sure paying off.
9. “I thought I made it through the holidays with no big mistakes, but it is now the middle of January and I never sent out our holiday postcard! ”
Hack: Send out your letter/card anyway, just put a little heart sticker in the corner and that says, “Happy Valentines Day! May the love we feel at Christmas be with you year round” or a similarly convincing statement. Better yet, engage Hack #1, go green and skip sending them out all together. Share a blog or send an email instead.
Hang onto these hacks and before you know it, everyone will want to know your “secrets” for a stress-free, seamless holiday season. #IsItNewYearsYet?
PS– What humorous holiday hacks would you add to the list? I would love to hear from you. Feel free to leave a comment below.