A Real Life Military Spouse

Ask any of my friends and they will tell you…I have the best conversations with baggers at the commissary.

One time, this lady told me that I was buying too much meat. Another man once told me that I was buying so many eggs (it was Easter time, I was making deviled eggs for a potluck, and I was doing a Whole30, thank you very much) I would save money if I bought some actual chickens, instead.

My favorite was the lady who, through broken English, told me every. Single. Detail. of how she caught her husband cheating on her. She concluded by telling me where to buy secret tracking devices for my husband’s car if I suspected mine of any wrong-doing.

So, you’ll understand when I tell you that nowadays when a bagger helps me to the car, I usually don’t chat much.

Recently, though, I had an elderly male bagger who paused when he saw the inside of my trunk. It was full of donations that were headed to the thrift store and I was doing some moving around so he could load up the groceries.

“Wow,” he said.

“I’m sorry. I forgot this was back here. We are getting ready to move, and I’ve been purging closets.”

“So you’re a real-life military spouse, huh? I’ve been thinking that it is a good thing I served when I did. My wife wouldn’t have lasted very long in today’s Army.”

My immediate reaction was to smack him with my extra reusable bags, but I refrained. How does he know what his wife would/wouldn’t do in today’s Army? And for that matter, who cares?

Lately,  a whole lot has been written in the milspouse blogosphere about this very topic. Exactly who cares what kind of military spouse you are? And why are we qualifying spouses anyway?

Here’s the way I see it:

Each of us married our service member not because they were in the military but because of who they are.

Did I gaze into his eyes and dream of years of washing stinky PTs?

Um, no.

When we were dating, was I giddy with excitement about spending multiple deployments without him?

Again, no.

When he asked me to marry him, did I say yes because I couldn’t wait to unpack my ridiculous amount of glassware in eight (about to be nine) different houses?

Nope.

We married them because we love them. We married them because we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with them. They might look good in uniform and all, but did we marry them because they were a service member?

No.

The same argument should be made for spouses then, too, right?

Our service members did not marry us because of what kind of military spouse we would be. I know mine sure didn’t. I’m unorganized, not a fan of routines, and a family heirloom hoarder (antique loveseat, anyone?). Pretty much the worst qualities for someone who has to move every two to three years to have.

But guess what? He married me because he loves me. And after 19 years, he still wants to be married to me.

Am I the same kind of military spouse as the lady next door who has the perfect yard?

No.

What about the military spouse I always sit next to at the PTO meeting?

No, not her either.

And the military spouse who gets up at 5 every morning to run five miles before the kids go to school?

I’m pretty sure I have absolutely nothing in common with her. And that’s okay.

I don’t know how many ways it needs to be said. You be you. Worry about yourself. What works for some doesn’t work for all. We’re all doing the best we can.

Here’s what doesn’t need to be said, though:

“Did you hear about that wife…?”

“Did you know her kids….?”

“Can you believe she…?”

None of that is helpful, and really, why should we care? We’re all going through our days married to some of the bravest, hardest-working people on the planet. And with that comes a lot of stuff. And that stuff is hard.

Some days the stuff is so hard, military spouses are the only other people who truly understand why the stuff is so hard!

The last thing any military spouse needs is to be judged by another military spouse. Save the judgement and side-eye for the next time the gate guard pulls you over for a random security check.

“Well, I’m sure your wife would have been fine. She’s married to you, right?” I chuckled, hoping he didn’t think I was being too much of a smart aleck.

“Huh. That’s funny. That sounds exactly like something she would say.”

Of course it does. Because she’s a real life military spouse, too.