An Open Letter to Myself

Do you ever allow the uncertainties of your future to impact your present? You probably do. As a military spouse, one of the easiest times to do this is when you know orders are coming soon.

For my husband and me, we thought we already had those orders, and now I find myself dwelling on the possibilities. Currently, dwelling on a negative possibility.

This is the first time we have to ask for Command Sponsorship–essentially asking if I’m cleared to go with my husband during this upcoming PCS.

I honestly had no idea Command Sponsorship was a thing. Now that I need it, I can’t get it out of my mind that I might not get it. Since there only seems to be two choices–yes or no—it feels like a fifty-fifty shot.

I’m struggling with the idea of the possibility of no. I mean, big time struggling, like several big ugly cries, several angry conversations trying to express my lack of understanding, and beyond several moments of thinking, “Could time just hurry up so that we’d know already?”

No. Time cannot hurry up, and as such, what I decided I needed for right now is the following open letter to myself. I’m calling it “open” because I have a hunch that my re-reading it may end up applying to any number of future situations.

Dear Wife,

I know you’re struggling right now. Please remember that the struggle is only for right now, and most importantly, the struggle isn’t even about right now. It’s future-based. Take your time if you need it, but then remember the following:

Today, you do live with your husband! Some vague notion that you might be separated for a time does not change the fact that you’re here now. You’re together now, in the same place, and luckily enough, really happy together.

Seriously, find a way to focus on today over the fear that the proverbial tomorrow might be different. Nobody knows what tomorrow’s going to be like, so why would you assume to be any different than anyone else?

Listen to your support network instead of your own fears! You’re surrounded by people who are trying to understand your struggle and be there for you. How blessed are you for that? Here’s a reminder of some of their words you should be choosing over your own worrisome thoughts.

Your husband says it will be fine, and he has no problem saying he loves you even when you’re a big, ugly-crying hot mess. Your father reminds you of a strong belief that everything happens for a reason—and you believe this. Your mother says to do the best you can to work through the needed process and see what happens.

Your friends say things like:

“I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You can use my office if you need some time to process.”

“I’ll believe in something good for the both of us, and then we’ll celebrate. It’s all going to be worth it. One step at a time.”

“Hey, buddy, don’t worry, if you can’t go with him, you can always come live up here with us!”

“Sure, it will suck compared to being with him, but you’ll be fine.”

Your relationship is strong! Hello? What are you even thinking? How can you be afraid and doubt so much that a separation feels this threatening? Remember how he was deployed for six months almost right after you met? Your relationship was practically founded on being together while separated.

Yes, that deployment separation was hard, but you came through that fine. Better than fine. You weren’t even his wife yet during that separation, and afterwards he wanted you to be his wife! You will still be his wife, and he will still be your husband. No one is trying to tell you that you can’t be his wife anymore.

Positive thoughts are way more attractive! You are the only one stopping yourself from believing the answer could be yes instead of no. You know how to flip your thoughts, and you should be doing so now.

Instead of, “Why can’t time hurry up and give us our answer?” it could sound a lot more like, “One more day, one more step closer to finding out.” What if you gave yourself a glimpse of how thankful you will be if the answer is actually yes and you do get Command Sponsorship? What if you walked around smiling because right now you have the opportunity to ask for permission to go on this huge new adventure with your husband?

After you are through remembering the above, remember one more little detail, Wife. This letter, “Dear Wife” was not written by just a wife.

Love always,

A Military Spouse