Milspouse Life: Reality Show Edition
I’m not going to lie. While most of us have some sort of a guilty pleasure, mine is a good reality show. Cheap sorority girl wine, (white zin, obviously), half-baked Ben and Jerry’s, and a steaming heap of junk TV burning my corneas sounds like a perfect night.
While you may never end up on a show that guarantees you a blue check mark on Instagram, you can make the daily drudgery of military life more exciting by turning your Wednesday into a version of your own.
I introduce to you, Milspouse Life: Reality Show Edition:
The Amazing Race
Payday at the commissary. The only clue you’re given is the half-chewed grocery list you dig out of your toddler’s mouth. Competition is fierce, lines are long, and there’s only one gallon of whole milk left. You have 20 minutes to regret every decision that led you here and pick up your child from preschool. And go!
American Ninja Warrior
Also known as the Spouse Spur Ride. Sure, you may not be flipping around a glorified jungle gym or running up warped walls, but you didn’t realize that army crawling was involved and mama don’t bend that way anymore. I feel like it’s basically the same thing, honestly. Hope the T-shirt design was cute this year, at least!
The (geo) Bachelorette
You for nine months every two years. Except no one pours you wine on a hot air balloon and calls you pretty. The dog left you a present on the rug, though. You should probably go check on that.
The Bachelor
Your partner if they change his orders. One. More. Freaking. Time.
Survivor
You service member left last week, the toddler flushed her doll down the toilet for being “too pink,” two of your tires went flat as if performing a choreographed swan song, the dog ate your ID card, and the school nurse just called. I’d suggest cereal for dinner, but you’re out.
Hell’s Kitchen
You made the decision to make food for the packers instead of going the tried-and-true route of pizza and subs. You froze a lasagna just for this occasion, but “they don’t care much for lasagna.” Let’s see what you can whip up out of a jug of cream cheese, ketchup, and a box of noodles you saved from being packed up with the linens. And a microwave since your pans were the first to go.
House Hunters
You’re into colonial-style with a fireplace, open-concept kitchen, and wouldn’t mind a bit of a fixer-upper. He has his heart set on a modern, turn-key-ready ranch-style with plenty of yard space to BBQ. You compromise on a 1960s fixer-upper that you’re not allowed to fix up because you live on post. It has a carport where you can put your grill and a great view of your neighbor’s living room. You waited three months for it, so you’ll make it work. Except now you’ve found mold in the bathroom. Maintenance will come check it out in 1-3 business years.
The Deadliest Catch
Your son picked up some new foreign disease from CYS. You desperately call the other moms to see what their kids’ pediatricians said they have. Hopefully something mild enough that you can skip the nightmare of trying to make a same-day appointment through the installation clinic’s phone line.
Say Yes to the Dress
You just moved to a new duty station only to discover that the unit’s ball is next week. You decide to opt out of the traditional Dillard’s dressing room torture and order a few dresses from Amazon. You try them on, swear up and down that you were a size eight like…yesterday, keep the one that looks the least mortifying, and return the rest. Congratulations, you just said yes to the dress!
Hoarders
What your 5-year-old becomes any time the installation yard sale comes around. All of a sudden his big sister’s pink bouncer from eight years ago is a prized possession and he was “just about to use” that unopened box of play-doh that you’ve PCS’d with four times.
Whether your life feels like a comedy or telenovela, just remind yourself that you’ve never ended up on an episode of Cops and call it a win. And break out the wine. Have I mentioned wine?
