Choosing Gratitude

In this military life, separation is almost guaranteed. Between TDY, training, time in the field, deployments—the list goes on and on—our service members often have to take time away from their spouses and families. Many times, we focus on that separation; some of us dwell on it, some of us try to ignore it, but it can still get at us despite our best efforts. Choosing gratitude for what may come, doesn’t seem to help us in the beginning.

When our service member leaves, we’re faced with two choices: allow our emotions to take over, or try to look at the bright side. It never gets easier to have our loved ones gone, but we can try to see the good in it.

At the time of this writing, my husband has been on TDY for the past six weeks. I went into the separation with some anxiety. Despite all of my worries, I tried to face it with a positive outlook. In the past, my time away from my husband has yielded incredible learning experiences that, to this day, I’m thankful I had.

I married my husband in 2009. After living together for six weeks, he left for a year of TDY at various locations around the U.S. I was nervous about how I would handle it, mainly because one year, 52 weeks, 365 days, is a really long time! After he walked out the door, loaded up his car, and departed down the street, I took some deep breaths.

I might have even shed a few tears.

In the end, we were able to see each other a few times during that year, and looking back, I had it easy. I was still living in the same town in which I grew up. All of my family was local. I still had the same friends I’d acquired during high school and early college. I worked a part-time job that I loved, which occupied the hours when I wasn’t attending college for my senior year.

Even though I had it easy, I learned a few things.

I, for the very first time, had the chance to live on my own. Completely alone. I had my first apartment, invited friends to hang out, had family over. I learned those early lessons of how to grocery shop, meal plan for a week, balance household chores with other requirements like school and work. I was learning those important lessons for being an adult. After all, I was only 21.

Looking back, I’m thankful for that time. It was a helpful experience to understand how to handle a deployment, which wasn’t too far off in our future.

I joined my husband at his first duty station in 2010. A few months later, he deployed to Afghanistan for a year. Yet another 52 weeks—363 days, to be exact—that I would be without him, minus two weeks of R&R.

We said our goodbyes at home while a friend of his drove him to the unit headquarters (we’ve always said our goodbyes privately). I again watched him load the olive drab duffle bags, multicam rucksacks, and other gear into the car and stood on the sidewalk as the car drove away. I tried to take deep breaths, but this time I failed.

I cried out all my fears and concerns.

Eventually, I gathered my emotions and told myself I could do it.

I was new to the area when he deployed. I only knew a handful of people, and only one was a close friend. I hadn’t yet found that first real milspouse friend. I felt, for the first time, that I was totally alone. It was scary, but again, I needed to handle it.

It wasn’t about heroics, but about survival.

I searched for my first professional job. I began reaching out to make new friends. I learned how to be more social, to break into conversation with new people, and my strong introversion was slowly transformed into a social extroversion.

I learned a lot about the military when I was hired, for my first job, as an installation news reporter. And again, I learned a lot about myself: How much I could take, how I handled stress, when I needed to take a break from the world.

I no longer feared being alone because I had already spent a year alone.

While some things are the same, they can still be different. The deployment brought new challenges to deal with, particularly the fear and anxiety that comes with having a loved one in a combat zone. I had to learn how to effectively communicate with my husband via email or Facebook messenger since calls were few and far between.

My marriage continued to grow, even while both my husband and I changed. Stress management was important and I needed to recognize the signs. But, I was fortunate to have an entire tribe of strong friends who were my support when I needed it.

This time I had a slew of people who truly understood what I was experiencing.

To this day, I appreciate that experience. I’m grateful I had the chance to learn so many valuable lessons that could carry me further into whatever might come next.

Little did I know just how useful they would be.

After years of being together except for some field training and numerous rotational trainings, my husband chose to go on TDY. This time had some additional unknowns. For the first time, I was facing a separation with children—three children under the age of 5—while living overseas.

With this separation came the usual learning curve. I was going to be the sole caretaker for my children. I wouldn’t be able to depend on a break at any point in the day. For the first time, I would have to be “on” at all times.

I immediately invoked all the lessons from the deployment. I reached out to friends when I needed them, even if it was something little (and many of them came to my rescue when my whole family got sick). I understood stress management and always tried to fit in just a few minutes for myself each day.

I did what I needed to do.

And I made it.

Now that the separation is over, I’ve once again learned a few new lessons. I’ve learned that I’m totally capable of caring for my children completely alone. I can support them through a separation in the ways that work for them. While I’ve never been much of a believer in traditional gender roles, this separation has shown that I definitely don’t believe in traditional gender roles. I’ve learned that when I feel like I have nothing left to give, I can still give more. I’ve also learned that Murphy (as in Murphy’s Law—anything that can go wrong will go wrong) is a big, fat jerk.

All kidding aside, I learned probably the most important, lasting lesson of all.

Appreciation for who my husband is and all that he does for us.

During the downtime, it becomes very easy to take our service members for granted. What they do in the home, for our children, and for us can be easily overlooked. We allow them to do things, and we are no longer as grateful for their contributions. We somehow don’t see what they do (outside of their military service), but once they’re gone, the voids they filled come to the forefront.

While I’m capable of doing it all by myself, it doesn’t mean I want to.

I spent the last six weeks figuring out the logistics of any outing—getting gas in my car, picking up mail from the post office, running to the grocery store, school drop-off for the older two, doctor’s appointments, and more—with three children in tow. These are things my husband easily took care of when he knew I didn’t have the availability or could use some help.

One day, while my husband spent a day in classes, I sat down and considered all of the things I was doing that I didn’t normally do. I wrote them all down in a message and sent them to my husband, with the sentiment:

“Thank you for all that you do for us. I know I let it go unnoticed, but it’s now overtly clear.”

I could have been bitter and selfish. I could have focused on all of the things that I have to do that I don’t like to do. I could have been passive aggressive and blamed it all on him. After all, he made the choice to go. It wasn’t required like a deployment.

But in the end, I chose gratitude.