Deployment During the Holidays: Part 1

In the 13 years I’ve been with my service member, we’ve spent approximately six years of that time separated because of his military duty—whether it was for deployments, training, or simply hectic work schedules—and plenty of experience with deployment during the holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and more. I’m sure we aren’t the only ones with this experience.

This year will add yet another tally mark to the list of years we’ve spent the holidays apart as my service member currently serves in the Middle East.

The thing about military families, that any military spouse knows, is that not only are we often separated from our service members, but more often than not, we’re also living hundreds or even thousands of miles away from our extended families as well. When holidays and special events come along, we can be left feeling lonely and missing the togetherness that so many find joy in at this time of year.

What do we do with that? How do we get through the loneliness without letting it depress us and weigh us down? How can we support our service members during this time when they’re so far from home, usually dealing with stress-filled and often dangerous situations?

To answer those questions, I look to the past decade of experience as a military spouse as well as tips, tricks, and traditions we have picked up along the way from sweet friends just trying to navigate this same road we are every day.

Here are five ways to get you started:

1. Look for ways to serve others

The biggest way to serve others is by volunteering. Soup kitchens, homeless shelters, veterans centers, churches, orphanages, animal shelters, missions, women’s resource centers, organizations like Habitat For Humanity or the Salvation Army. Find ways to serve that are meaningful to you or your family, because helping others is always a great way to lift your spirits and get your mind off of what might be missing this season.

Take some time to fill large Ziploc bags with useful items (toothbrush, toothpaste, bottled water, single serve snacks (like peanut butter or cheese crackers, granola bars, nuts, and others), new clean socks, hand sanitizer, and hand warmers) to hand out to the homeless or people in need you may see around town.

Do random acts of kindness (pay for someone’s coffee, meal, gas, or groceries). Do a chore or helpful task for a family member or neighbor, write kind notes and leave them for someone (a waitress, friend, mailman, store clerk, coworker, neighbor, whoever!). Surprise someone who wouldn’t expect it with a gift or homemade treat.

2. Create new traditions

Whenever possible, plan a trip to visit friends or family or have them plan to visit you during the holidays. If that isn’t doable, plan to visit a new destination, a favorite locale, or if time and budget don’t allow for much travel, check out some of the local sights you’ve wanted to see but never made the time to visit yet.

Begin a new tradition that you only do when your service member is away. For example, whenever possible, my kids and I try to invite someone or a few someones to share in our Christmas dinner, spend the day playing games together, and enjoy relaxing and fellowshipping together.

3. Get involved!

Staying encouraged during these times when you’re missing your service member can be difficult. It can be easy to focus on feeling sad or thinking about what’s missing during the holidays, and that can get you down in the dumps quickly. Getting or staying involved in the community—whether it’s through your church, doing things with charities, or spending time with friends—is important. Don’t isolate yourself. Even if I don’t feel motivated to spend time fellowshipping, giving, or serving others, the more I do those things, the better I feel and the more motivation I find to continue doing them.

4. Give your children an outlet

A big issue that comes up a lot of times is figuring out how to help your children cope with their parent being away during the holidays. My partner has been in the military longer than our kids have been alive. This is the only life they’ve known, and unfortunately, he’s been away for at least half the holidays they’ve celebrated in their lives.

While, so far, they’ve proven to be pretty resilient, they still have moments where they miss their dad. When he’s away—especially during this time of year—I make sure to put lots of photos of him around the house, and whenever possible, he will send me pictures of him on deployment so they can see where he is and feel connected with him.

I always keep supplies for homemade cards, pictures, and letters on-hand so they can write to him anytime they wish. We have purchased a miniature Christmas tree and printed out some favorite photos (some good, some silly) that we all like and use them to make ornaments for the tree.

We bake homemade goodies, make cards, and draw pictures to send to their dad so he can share a little bit of the celebration with us.

Whenever possible, we try to do fun things, like going to see lights displays, caroling, or sledding if we’re somewhere that has snow. We spend time with friends and just try to have fun while enjoying life together.

5. Create a Thankful Tree

My favorite holiday tradition is our “Thankful Tree.” We use a small tree (or even a limb) or sturdy indoor plant, and we have lots of small papers available. Whenever we think of or notice something we’re thankful for or that is a blessing in our lives, we write it down on a paper, tie a string through it, and hang it on the tree. On a set day (be it on the actual holiday or on another day of our choosing), we take turns pulling ornaments off the tree and reading the things written on them.

This is something our service member can also participate by emailing notes for the tree—or, after we read them all, we can pack the tree up and mail it to him to see in person. Regardless, the whole idea helps us remember what’s really important even when our circumstances aren’t what we would choose at the time.

 

Now that we’ve talked about the family at home, how can we best support our service members who are deployed? Go here to read Part 2 of this story.