Experience Counts for Something

Have you ever noticed how, in society, experience seems to count for very little? Well, depending on how old you are as you read this, you may not feel it as much as those of us who come with lots of “experience!”

It’s true, I’m not as comfortable with all the ins and outs of my computer as you may be, but I’m pretty good at knowing how to have a conversation that leads to a promotion or new business.

You’re right, I might not live to communicate everything through a text message, but I’m great at sending a handwritten thank-you note or letter that someone actually hangs up on the wall above their desk.

That said, I recently discovered one area where experience counts for everything—a happy marriage.

Last night, my husband and I were picking up a birthday gift at the mall (yep, I like the brick and mortar stores) and we stopped for a moment along the railing on the second floor. That spot overlooked an interesting Thai ice cream vendor that made “rolls” of ice cream. We stopped to watch. A moment later a young couple came alongside us to watch, too. We started a conversation that led to one of them asking us how long we’d been married. We replied, a bit prideful I might add, “35 years…and it’s a second marriage for both of us.”

They said they had been married four years. They were sparkling with the anticipation of a great life together. The young man, Jonathan, asked us: “Based on your experience, what do you think makes a happy marriage? We’d like to get off to a strong start.” Then they just listened. Wow, my husband, Larry, and I were thrilled that we were asked to look back on our years and share some thoughts from our experiences, both good and bad.

After reflective thought, here’s what we came up with:

1. Respect each other.

You are different people and you came into your relationship with your own baggage…and your own strengths. How can you use your strengths to help your partner work through their baggage? Don’t devalue the other person because they are not “just like you.” Many times, opposite personalities attract because you’re seeing in the other person something that you truly need in your life. Even though being opposites, as Larry and I are, can instigate arguments, your strength together comes when you both have the same underlying foundation of values.

2. Don’t be so quick to give it all up when things don’t go well.

You will fight; you may even separate sometime. So many couples toss it all away when it gets tough because it’s the easiest thing to do. Take the hard road instead and hang in there. Figure out a solution together. My only challenge to that is if the relationship involves an abusive situation.

3. Be friends and companions.

Years later, after the glow wears off and the sex isn’t what it used to be, it’s that friendship and companionship that will see you through. Remember: family first!

4. Look to friends.

Especially those who have long successful relationships, and learn from what they do. Ask them sometime what they do to make it work. It’s kind of like having a “marriage mentor!”

5. Create ways throughout your life to say “I Love You” with no words at all.

Thank your partner for those “little” things that he or she does that are special and meaningful to you. Maybe it’s him filling your car with gas so you don’t have to. Maybe it’s you being sure to say “thank you” when she empties the dishwasher.

For me, I travel a lot and I work out of a home office. At 5 p.m., when I’m in the office, Larry comes in and sets a glass of my favorite wine on the desk and turns and walks out of the room. I love it, and it’s his silent way of telling me that it’s time to finish up and come out to be with him.

This is an exercise we take you through in the marriage communication class Larry and I co-present for Yellow Ribbon Reintegration Programs. It’s powerful. Find what works for you.

Well, that’s my experience about what makes a marriage worth living, and how it can be better year after year. I know that every relationship is different and it’s critical that you discover the best elements of your marriage together. All I can say is that it’s worth it so hang in there and create your own “experience” so you can answer the success question when you’ve been married 35 years.