Field Problem: Helping Military Kids Cope

Dear, Field Problems:

I have a toddler boy; he is 2 years old and is having a hard time adjusting to Daddy not being home. The problem we are having is I am not sure how to get him to understand (he is acting out) and what I can read to him that will help him understand. You recently came up with a list of books for a 5-year-old, but I wasn’t sure if they were age appropriate with a language that my son will understand.

Any chance you can suggest books that are easily understood by toddlers and can help them deal with deployments? Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Danielle; NWS Charleston, SC; Active Duty Navy spouse and veteran

Dear, Danielle:

We sympathize with you. A lot of military spouses worry about their children during deployment. Two is such a difficult age in that you can’t really communicate the necessity of deployment and the fullness of your husband’s love. The best thing to do is to keep things predictable, share a lot of pictures with your son, use FaceTime when you can, and let your son hear your husband’s voice as much as possible.

Your question about books is a good one. Our daughters are young and really enjoy The Kissing Hand, which is touted as perfect, beautiful, and phenomenal by Amazon readers. The story is meant to be about a child’s first day of school but translates well into any situation where parent and child have to be separated. The magic element is the act of kissing hands. The loving raccoon mother suggests that kissing hands would be a wonderful reminder of her love to Chester. We agree; it is wonderful, because it’s tangible and a simple enough act for even a toddler to reciprocate. The illustrations are detailed enough to engage the child in conversations about wilderness creatures and nocturnal animal habits (for the older kids). But, they were drawn in natural muted tones that make the book a very calming one to read just before naps and bedtime. It was just very pleasant.

Advertised on almost every reputable military related website is the Talk, Listen, Connect information available for download here (you might want to bookmark that website because it has a lot of great information for military life in general). The story is about when Elmo’s Daddy had to leave for awhile. It is not just a movie, but a campaign by Sesame Workshop to educate military families and their supporters about how best to negotiate one of the hardest challenges we face as military families—deployment.

The kit includes a DVD, related activity poster, and a mini magazine for adults. It is free via the MilitaryOneSource website thanks to the WalMart foundation, Sesame Workshop, and other non-profit contributors. It is free, but doesn’t feel inexpensive or thrown together at all. This is a quality product that covers three of the deployment phases: pre-deployment, deployment, and reunion.

Here are a few suggestions for your child that come from Talk, Listen, Connect:

  • Ensure there is communication between your husband and son if even for just a minute or two on the phone or using FaceTime (if available).
  • Have your husband send your son mail, not just your husband, but friends and relatives too. It’s important to teach your son that even though Daddy is away, he’s not gone and there is a way to communicate.
  • If there’s something special your husband can give to your son—a picture of them together or a favorite t-shirt or blanket‚—that can stay in your son’s possession, this may also ease the pain of separation. If this interests you, check out Operation Kid Comfort. It’s a group that puts photo transfers on blankets for the children of deployed soldiers.

Toddlers act out even when the missing parent is home. Behavior may be improved by establishing a routine and doing special things where the toddler is in control for an hour or two, like picking what and where to eat. You also may find some solace in sending your son to daycare two days a week, Sunday school, or a mommy and me group.

Two is young to comprehend why your husband is gone, so your son may be “filling in the blanks” and feeling abandoned. That’s where those suggestions about keeping him connected with his father and watching the Elmo video may come in handy.

Our thoughts are with you as you wage this deployment with your son. Lean on your community when you need it.

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Field Problems™

Field Problems™ is a self-syndicated column brought to you by Army Wife Network, LLC. Having made its debut in June 2006, Field Problems™ is a question and answer column geared toward empowering Army, National Guard, and Reserve spouses and families by providing real answers to common issues. AWN's desire to help military families by catering to individual needs, offering advice, and providing real-life, researched solutions to the issues many families face in today’s military (aka “Field Problems“), is a genuine effort to change the lives of our warriors! Have other questions? To submit your Field Problem™, e-mail FromTheField@ArmyWifeNetwork.com. Please include your first name, location, branch of service, and years in/associated with the military. Questions may be edited for length and clarity. Field Problems™ reserves the right to read on the air and/or publish on its Web site or in any other form the emails and letters that we receive. By sending us a letter or email, you agree to these terms. Solving the problems of Army families where it matters most...in the field.

One thought on “Field Problem: Helping Military Kids Cope

  • April 14, 2010 at 11:29 am
    Permalink

    Danielle,

    Hello, my name is Melissa Malloy; I am the National Program Manager for United Through Reading. United Through Reading is a 501 (c)(3) non-profit educational organization.

    Our mission is to unite families facing physical seperation by facilitating the bonding experience of reading aloud together.

    I work with Army units who wish to run our program while deployed. The United Through Reading Military program is a fantastic way for your son to stay connected with his father by having your husband read stories to him from afar. The Kissing Hand that was recommended is one of the books that we recommend to our coordinators to have on the shelf for the Servicemembers to read. Most of the units who are running the program have a private room set up for the participant to be privately recorded reading a story book aloud. Once they have read the book and been recorded they can take the DVD and mail it to the child/children that are special to them.

    Please visit our website http://www.unitedthroughreading.org for more information and for a list of the current program locations. The list is updated monthly on our website.

    If a unit or command is interested in having this program available for their Servicemembers please contact us.

    Best,
    Melissa Malloy
    National Program Manager (ARMY)

    Reply

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