Humorous Holiday Hacks: Round #3

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, not just because the holidays make us feel all warm, fuzzy, and snuggly and give us the perfect excuse to eat #AllTheThings, but because I have a new reason to create yet another “batch” of humorous holiday hacks.

These hacks are tips and tricks that, while entertaining, may or may not make your holiday season easier. (But hey, if it puts a smile on your face, that’s something, right?)

Before we dig in to this fresh round of all things humorous, holiday-ish, and hack-like, feel free to hop over and check out our previous hack batches by clicking here and here.

Now, let’s get down to business. And by business, I mean let’s get ready to laugh about all things holiday.

1. Every holiday season, I just get so dang overwhelmed. I tell myself every year that I am going to keep from getting stressed but it never seems to work. I feel like I’m running in a million different directions with my hair on fire, yelling “What do I do with my hands?!” Talk about a joy sucker. How can I keep the Christmas spirit without losing my mind? 

Hack: Ah, dear reader, solidarity! Most of us, at some point, have probably been there, done that, and spilled spiked eggnog on the T-shirt. But now, I would like to introduce you to one of my favorite terms, actually adopted from this milspouse life. Are you ready? Say it with me: voluntold. This delightful word is the key to all things sanity, especially around the holiday season. It’s that odd hybrid of getting someone to volunteer, but in reality, it’s more of a command than a request. (See the connection with the military now?) We personally have to muster up the courage to say, “No thanks” when someone tries to back us into a corner and voluntell us to do something. (If you struggle with telling others no, you can always pretend not to speak English or wear earbuds wherever you go so as to pretend you can’t hear anything around you.) Also, be bold and start voluntelling other people in your circle to get to crack-a-lacking and help you out.

2. I’ve done everything I can, but I don’t think I can avoid it. My in-laws/third cousin/awkward and annoying relative will be here for the holidays and I practically break into hives just thinking about it. I woke up in a cold sweat last night after a nightmare about them showing up and commenting on my hairstyle and trying to make small talk for days on end. What can I do to cope with my slightly cray-cray-fam? 

Hack: Again, another magical secret of mine is not just applicable during the holidays but to all challenging social situations year round. It’s called “nod and smile.” No matter what Crazy Uncle Seymour says or how high your mother-in-law’s eyebrow is judgementally raised when you take the ham out of the oven, be ready with your best “nod and smile.” It’s just like it sounds: Nod your head to acknowledge their statement/presence, and smile in response. Sure, the smile might be extremely forced and gritted, and, depending on how often you have to engage this tactic, you might need your dentist on speed dial to fix your ground-down teeth after the New Year, but whatever it takes to keep the peace, right?

But remember, if you finally get too fed up with it, the conversation lulls, and you need an immediate change-the-subject bail out option, simply say these four magical words: “How ’bout that election?” Then pour yourself a glass (or three) of wine, sit back, relax, and watch the show.

3. We’re traveling this year for holiday block leave. While I look forward to the final destination, the actual transit experience stresses me out and makes me rage like nothing else. What tips do you have for navigating the airport crowds or highway traffic without “accidentally” shanking someone? 

Hack: This one is tricky. Nothing like large amounts of people who are also in a hurry/annoyed with the situation to bring out the (violent) Scrooge in all of us. First and foremost, leave all objects that could be used as weapons of random road/airport rage at home. This includes ball point pens, car keys, baby bottles, heavy purses, nail files, and asthma inhalers. (That final item might seem harmless but can double as mild mace if sprayed into the eyes of the attitude-inclined clerk at the Cinnabon.)

Another great tip is to bring snacks. Lots and lots of snacks. And eat them constantly. Not only will the massive calorie consumption produce happy-place endorphins, but eventually you will eat enough that you mellow out, get sleepy and no longer care. Added bonus: You can’t yell at passerbys if your mouth is full.

4. I really wanted to get a cute-Leave-it-to-Beaver-Cleaver-family-style holiday greeting postcard out this year, but my family wouldn’t cooperate to get the snapshot. After an hour-and-a-half of trying to get a good picture, my toddler cry-puked, the kindergartener had somehow lost his pants, and our photographer burst into tears. Now what am I supposed to do? 

Hack: Please note that holiday postcards are kind of overrated. There are a ton of great loopholes out of this holiday conundrum. First option is to tell everyone you’re “going green” and send out a (photoshopped) email newsletter. Or, you can say that with the cost of postage you decided to cut some corners this year, and instead of spending #AllTheDollarBills on creating cards that will hang on someone’s fridge for four days then likely end up in a storage box/trash can, you opted to donate the cash to a local charity. (Who is going to argue with that?) If you’re still determined to send out something with a photo, snail-mail style, create a card with the picture of your crying, pukey toddler, pants-less kindergartener, hubby with a beer in his hand, and your running mascara with a caption that says, “Keeping it real this Holiday Season. All our Love, The Smiths.”

Well, readers, that’s what I’ve got for you this year. Which humorous hack was your favorite? Do you have a humorous (or real) holiday hack you would like to share? Feel free to comment below!

And have a very merry, non-stressful and humorous holiday season!