Is it Easier to Leave or Be Left?
Deployments come faster and faster. Home, away, home again, and away again. I knew I couldn’t be the only one wondering if it’s really harder to be the one leaving or the one who is being left.
I began a mission to find out.
When I asked service members and their spouses which is harder, leaving or being left, the majority of them seem to agree—it’s easier to leave.
The service members agree that the initial “leaving” is hard for them because of the goodbye. But, once aboard the plane or upon arriving at their destination, they’re able to become mission-focused. They’re able to do what they were trained to do. Their laundry is done, they almost always have a hot meal, and the gym can be frequented daily. They’ll agree that their camps aren’t as luxurious as some of the homes back in the states. Their beds aren’t as comfortable. They’ll even tell you that they don’t enjoy using the portable toilet. They comment on missing family celebrations, growing children, and special moments. In the war environment, we know they long for a moment’s peace.
Inevitably, they say that their hardship is nothing compared to those that are “back home.”
Back home, their spouse is concerned for their service member’s safety. Like their service member, they can become “mission-focused” to survive and function. Jobs need to be done. Finances need to be managed. Lawns need to be mowed. Children need to be fed. Friendships are tested and patience worn thin. Unlike their service member, their beds are comfortable, they don’t miss family celebrations, and they can exert some control over their environment.
But, there are many lonely nights, blaringly silent moments, and many “additional duties.”
Seemingly—with the exception of threat to life—they’d be in equal boats. The dividing line seems to be one of public support and attention.
Spouses aren’t wearing a uniform.
They aren’t identified in any manner that says, “handle with care.” Not that they want to be babied, but they ask that people use a little more tact when talking to them about their situation.
They are running households, holding down jobs, and essentially living the old Army slogan: “Army of One.” All the while, the much appreciated care packages pour into their service member’s unit.
Unfortunately, the mailboxes at home are left empty.
It’s not that spouses believe the public doesn’t support them. It’s just not as obvious as the support of their service member. Spouses are juggling feelings of love and support for their service member with emotions of guilt for feeling needy or neglected.
Spouses support their service members, and most wouldn’t have their lives any other way. They aren’t complainers or martyrs. They are hard-working survivors.
They wouldn’t trade their service member’s happiness for their own; on the contrary—they would “give all” just the same.
They’ll tell you that their job is nothing compared to the danger that their service member is living. They will agree that, day-to-day, they are working just as hard or harder to “hold down the fort” until their service member returns.
In the end, the great debate isn’t over whose job is harder, more dangerous, or less rewarding. Both service members and spouses agree that neither is in a position they truly want to be in, even if they chose it. There are positive and negative aspects to each.
In general, all are very proud to serve and are very thankful for any support. They agree if improvements in support could be made they need to be family-focused.
My husband and I agree with this. He tells me all the time that he has the easier job and that I’m literally holding it together. Thanks for doing the research Tara.
I also agree, there is something easier to deal with when you are are the one changing. There is so much new. When you are “left” all you have is the hole and more to do, that’s the only change. We just started our first deployment and this morning I updated the donut and we are at 10% with “Still a long, long way to go.” I keep waiting for things to calm down a little, get a little less busy. I am finally realizing that maybe they are not going to. With being a SAHM I thought things wouldn’t pick up all that much, man was I wrong.
My husband agrees. When they are gone, they are gone – new people, new life, something big and different to focus on, more than enough to do. We’re left with a big hole in the same life, and finding ways to work around it missing one of the key parts of life. And I agree about the care packages. I remember he came home on a pass from training last spring, and he had an Army shirt on, and in the elevator random people say ‘Thank you for your service’. And while I know I’m not being shot at, I feel I am helping him serve the country, and yet the families get left by the wayside.
I think a lot of those feelings come from being in the place that we’ve spent time with our soldier, made memories with him and once he’s gone something big is missing. Like others have said, he’s doing something totally new and in some views “exciting” (my soldier is excited about the new opportunity and change of pace of being over there).
It must be exciting. Just think of how anytime even retired military guys get together, they start telling stories about it. It’s very intense, and anything but like mundane life at home. I think that’s one reason so many have a hard time readjusting at first. How easy can it be to go from living on adrenaline and care packages to going grocery shopping or doing the laundry again?