Keeping the Home Fire Burning

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. — Bruce Lee

 

My husband is an infantryman.

I believe he chose this MOS because of the opportunity to serve, the thrill factor, and the challenge that comes with boots-on-the-ground-kicking-in-doors-and-taking-names.

Plus, he loves the color blue.

Recently, however, I have learned another interesting piece of his genetic service member make-up.

He loves the infantry because he secretly harbors a desire to be the next Bear Grylls—you know, that super-intense guy with the TV show Man vs. Wild? Yeah, I’m married to a wannabe that.

Which makes family camping tricks  frustrating  interesting.

My beloved infantryman insists on being the Fire Master. The moment we arrive at the campsite, he reverts back to prehistoric man, determined to make a flame with unconventional methods.

Man make fire. Fire good. Ugga Ugga.

Matches? Lighter? No way, Jack. Give him two sticks, a piece of flint, a battery and steel wool, or (if he is feeling extra salty) a bar of magnesium.

He claims that this is vital survival training. I claim that it is a waste-of-time-I’m-hungry-these-burgers-aren’t-going-to-cook-themselves moment.

I have hours of stories about his fire-making shenanigans. Like the time it took him almost two hours to attempt to make a fire in a Florida swamp after a downpour.

However, I will spare you. For now. (You’re welcome.)

My darling husband’s desire for fire makes me think about marriage—and how important it is to keep the home fires burning, even when military schedules, kids, and other general life downpours dampen your flame.

The fact, if we forget to continually tend our marriage fire, after a while, our sizzle will fizzle….

…and then we really have a problem on our hands. (Where are my matches?!)

It is no state secret that a fire, both in real life and in marriage, needs specific materials to survive.

Here are the three most important things to keep your home fire burning:

1. Fuel

Before we can start a fire, we must have the foundation. In this case, it is fuel. No, I’m not saying to fill your living room (or bedroom—scandalous!) with shredded newspaper or pine needles to use as tinder. #Awkward

However, we need to continually gather resources to create a solid foundation for our marriage. Take a marriage class. Read a marriage book. Get hooked up with your unit’s chaplain and climb aboard for the next marriage retreat.

2. Flame

To keep our home fires burning, we first must have the spark to get it started. Hopefully, that happened when we said, “I do,” but as the years/duty stations/kids start to wear us out, the once-roaring romance in our life is now a smoldering pile of logistics. It’s important to have real conversations with your spouse, be it face-to-face, online, or (wait for it) even snail mail. My husband and I have a tendency to “talk” on a regular basis, but often times, we have to be intentional about branching out from just the logistics of child care, military schedules, and if he will be home for supper tomorrow. (Do I actually need to cook, or will it be leftovers/sandwiches?)

Consider deeper conversation pieces. Dream a bit. Share where you are struggling. Encourage each other!

Also, don’t underestimate the power of little acts of kindness. Is your man working eleventy billion hours this week on little sleep? Pack him a snack and hook him up with an energy drink. Cook him chicken wings on a Thursday just because. Let him pick the TV show and keep your comments to yourself. (I haven’t quite mastered the last one, because I can only watch so much Bear Grylls.)

3. Oxygen

This one is important but often an ingredient that is overlooked in marriage. Fires need to breathe. I struggle with this one a little bit, because I have a tendency to get a little bit clingy before and after a long separated-by-duty circumstance, but I’ve learned that unless I want to totally snuff out our home fire, I have to back off just a teeny bit and give my beloved a little bit of room to breathe on occasion.

Don’t get me wrong—my beloved loves hanging out with our daughter and me, but apparently singing karaoke with his bromance, going to the gym just because he wants to, or even staring at a wall hanging out in his nothing box is sometimes just what he needs to rekindle the flame.

Use these opportunities to give yourself some room to breathe, too—without kiddos, if possible. Use hourly care on the installation, let them play with their friends while you get your hair done, drink a warm cup of tea with both hands, go to the bathroom by yourself (specifically for parents with tiny humans), or stare at a wall just because you can.

 

Now if you will excuse me… My husband just walked in the door, there are chicken wings in the oven, and he’s holding a battery and steel wool.

Which of these “ingredients” are readily available in your marriage? Which one do you struggle with the most? We always love comments from our readers. Join the conversation!