No, I’m Not Okay, Thank You Very Much

After about six years of being a milspouse, I just realized something today.

I don’t have to be okay.

This for me was a huge epiphany. My husband deployed in January, and I’ve been striving since then to carry on. You know, pay the bills, keep the house maintained, keep the yard neat, the vehicles maintained, nurture and teach our sons—and smile.

Everyday my goal is to keep our normal routine, keep our homeschool schedule consistent, keep meals consistent, keep bedtime consistent. And everyday that this doesn’t happen, I feel like I’m not keeping the homefront as I should.

I’ve tried to be brave and march on without a hitch, except there’s a huge hitch.

My best friend, my lover, my husband, my other half is gone.

I am not marching, I am limping (as one tends to do when there is only half of you). And that is truly okay. It’s okay to limp along. I’m never going to make everything “normal” while my husband is away. It’s impossible, because not having him here, home with us, is not normal.

I never want it to be.

I realized we have been watching a lot of movies on TV. Is that bad?

I always feel guilty if I bring home fast food for dinner. I thought I should encourage my 2 year old to sleep in his bed, just like he has always done. But you know, he wants to sleep with me—he needs me. The world seems kind of crazy now to him. “Why did Daddy go again? You are staying right here, right Mommy?”

And you know what? I sleep better with my son. I don’t have to keep the TV on anymore. I can fall asleep in the dark.

This isn’t our normal—or, this wasn’t our normal—but what I’ve realized is that this is our normal when things aren’t normal. (Follow me?)

Once I understood this, it took a weight off my shoulders. I don’t have to be okay! I don’t have to carry on like nothing is wrong and our life is routine. Now, I know there is merit in trying to keep things safe and consistent for our children—what I’m talking about is being kinder to myself and knowing that, if things don’t run just like they do when Dad is home, it’s because Dad isn’t home.

This time won’t last forever (even though sometimes it seems like it will), and my kids will not be irreparably damaged if they eat more Happy Meals and watch more Disney movies for a few more months.