Those Tough Questions
“Mommy, who is he warring against?” Cue one of many questions I wasn’t prepared to answer.
We are broaching new and uncharted territory in our house. The last two deployments, my kids were little. First one as a married couple (his second) was over before the oldest was 8 months old. The second one was when the kids were 5 months old (until 12 months) and 2.5 until 3 years old.
Daddy was gone, and they noticed. That’s not to say it wasn’t hard. But he was here and then he wasn’t and then, eventually, he was back again and they were just kind of… passive? I don’t know. I don’t mean to sound cold because they certainly missed him, but I guess if nothing else, they weren’t asking me questions I couldn’t answer.
At most it was an exchange like:
“Where’s Daddy?”
“Working.”
“Far away work?”
“Yep.”
“Okay.”
That type of conversation has now changed.
A few weeks ago we started laying the foundation of “Daddy will be gone for a while.” They’re 4 and 6 ,so we didn’t want to start too early, but I also didn’t want them to come home from school one day and be all, “Wait, what?”
Tonight was a new level of understanding.
My 6-year-old, I’m convinced, is secretly a 35-year-old with both a philosophy and law degree. She is inquisitive and has a peace beyond understanding that I will never achieve.
Tonight, we were talking about some indiscriminate date beyond “the point of no return,” and she paused her iPad game, looked me in the eye, and nearly shattered my husband and me into a million pieces.
“Mommy, is Daddy going to war again?”
“Um…” I gulped. “Well, yes.”
“So, does he shoot the guns?”
“Well, we hope he doesn’t have to, but he can if he needs to,” I answered. I wasn’t really sure where this was going, and I had no idea how to navigate it. But then she brought out the clincher.
“Okay. Who is he warring against?”
::mic drop::
I stuttered for a few minutes of trying to find the right answer. What do I say?
Bad guys!
People who are doing bad things.
Taliban.
None of those seemed like a good answer. Thankfully, the joy of being barely 6 means that half a step later she was back to her game and asking Daddy to help her build a bridge. But I’m sure the question will come up again; if not before he leaves, then certainly after.
Just because they get distracted doesn’t mean they forget. I have learned that far too well.
I was hoping we wouldn’t get here. (We’ve talked about drawing down, or rotating out, or even him getting out.) It never occurred to me to explain a deployment past the basic explanation I give pretty much everyone who asks:
“He’s gone. It’s not super long, like six to eight months. He’ll be back after that.”
I generally avoid the “What does your husband do?” and “Where is he?” questions, other than an occasional <insert country/region here>. I generally assume that people know enough about what the answer means, know me well enough to get an answer, or know enough to not ask. And everyone else who asks is just looking for a filler phrase because they don’t know if “I’m so sorry,” or “You must be so proud,” or a combination of both is more appropriate.
My girls don’t even know what their dad does other than that he “works for the Army.”
The last deployment, my nearly-3-year-old daughter called it “A**ghanistan” because she couldn’t get the “F” sound, and I laughed and laughed. It seemed fitting at the time. Now that she’s 6, I should probably make sure she can say where he’s going, yeah? Or is it better not to tell her?
I never want to lie to them, and they’re used to being able to ask me anything and get at least a basic answer, but I feel like even “Where do babies come from?” was easier than this.
What else should I tell them? Exactly how does one prepare a 6- and 4-year-old for deployment? Do you tell their teachers? Their school staff, like the principal?
If you have any resources, I’d love to hear them. We’re hitting our third deployment together, and I’m finally learning to lean on my Army family.
