How to Talk to a Friend Struggling with Infertility

I debated sharing this post for quite some time, not because I felt I needed to keep my infertility a secret, but because I wasn’t confident I wanted complete strangers to know such private details.

However, one of the struggles women and men face when they receive a diagnosis of infertility is a lack of strong community to lift them up. You can’t receive loving support if you hide in isolation; you have to share your struggle in order to get what you need.

I’m moving slightly out of my comfort zone in this post in an effort to help you know how to love on a friend struggling with infertility.

Here are 8 things your friend wants you to know:

1. Your friend knows how babies are made. 

If your friend has taken the necessary steps to receive a diagnosis contributing to infertility, you can bet that they know how babies are made. I know, this point seems silly but I kid you not, a dental hygienist I had never met felt the need to explain to me that, “In order to get pregnant, an egg has to release from your ovaries (which happens 14 days before the start of your next cycle), the egg has to be fertilized in the fallopian tube, and the fertilized egg has to implant into your uterus.” This advice is completely true. However, when there is an infertility issue, this process looks different. I urge you to know that the average baby-making process doesn’t need explaining.

2. Your friend does not expect you to have the perfect thing to say.

Your friend wants empathy and love. Sometimes loving her means listening to her share her struggles in painful detail. Sometimes loving her means texting a quick, “Thinking of you” message. Sometimes loving her means bringing her coffee on a stressful day. But, your friend never wants you to feel like she expects you to have the words that she needs to hear; she just appreciates your heart and company.

3. Do not compare stories.

Every infertility struggle is painful and difficult and zero fun and different. Just because a girl you know struggled to get pregnant for a year, decided to “give up,” and got pregnant immediately after that does not mean this will happen for your friend. The same infertility treatment plan that works for one friend may not work for the next.

4. Don’t say, “You need to just relax.”

I know this advice is well-intended. I know this advice comes from a place of love. However, all the “relaxing” in the world will not get your infertile friend pregnant. I promise.

5. If you are currently pregnant, your infertile friend is genuinely happy for you.

Seriously! She never wants her friends to go through the trouble that she’s going through. She doesn’t wish infertility on anyone, and she’s thrilled you’re experiencing the blessing of pregnancy. Don’t be scared to tell her that you’re pregnant or enjoying your pregnancy. It might sting to hear, but she wants to hear it and celebrate with you! And on that thought…

6. Keep your complaining about pregnancy to a minimum.

I can only imagine that constant nausea, sciatic nerve pain, headaches, and back pain are bears of side effects to handle. However, your infertile friend would be thrilled to have those side-effects if it meant that she would become a parent at the end of it all.

7. Unless you’ve experienced pregnancy and fertility medication side effects, please don’t compare them.

I cannot say what pregnancy side effects feel like, but I can tell you what fertility medication has done to my body. I imagine that pregnancy is rough, but your infertile friend is not comforted by your pregnancy symptoms sounding similar to her infertility medication symptoms. Again, I know you are trying to practice empathy, and there is grace for that. Just know that it’s less than helpful.

8. Your questions are welcome.

If your friend has shared her infertility diagnosis with you, she’s welcoming you into this part of her life. Asking the questions you have tells your friend that you’re invested in her life and interested in her struggle. Ask away! If she’s uncomfortable answering your questions, she’ll let you know.

 

Your value as a military spouse and person is not dependent on whether you become a mother. You are not any less of a woman because you’re having trouble becoming pregnant. There is no shame in getting help. You need to get help. And, you need community. Let people in to the struggle so they can love on you!


If you have struggled with pregnancy loss, don’t miss Pregnancy Loss and the Military Spouse.

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Retired Blogger

Retired Blogger

Army Wife Network is blessed with many military spouses who share their journey through writing in our Experience blog category. As we PCS in our military journey, bloggers too sometimes move on. Their content and contributions are still valued and resourceful. Those posts are reassigned under "Retired Bloggers" in order to allow them to remain available as content for our AWN fans.

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