A couple of weeks ago my bride and I had a “discussion.” The project I had been planning was due and I was running around at the last minute trying to gather all the things I needed. It went something like this:
Me: I’m trying to find X, have you seen it?
Her: No, haven’t seen it.
Me: I need it for this project and feel like I’ve looked everywhere!
Her: You’ve had lots of time to find it, why are you looking for it now?
Me: Because I’m a last minute person, you know that.
Her: I think you should have looked for it yesterday.
Me: O.K.
Her: And that’s my last word on this!
Me: No, it’s not.
Her: You’re probably right.
Both of us: Stifled laughter.
I finally found what I was looking for and was able to finish the project on time. Our “discussion” could have become messy but we are committed to getting things right in our marriage.
Here are 5 things to remember to have successful “discussions” in your marriage:
1. All couples from time to time experience conflict, or have “discussions.” It may be caused be a simple difference in opinion or a complex difference in core values. Differences are not right or wrong, they are just different. It’s ok to disagree. Conflict about differences doesn’t necessarily lead to fighting.
2. When having your “Discussion” make sure that each of you is heard by the other. In general people listen long enough to format their reply or rationale or defense and then wait for their turn to speak, or don’t. Use Jeopardy rules for your discussions: you can’t press the buzzer to respond until the whole question has been asked.
3. Treat each other respectfully. Enough said.
4. If you start the “discussion” negatively it makes it much, much harder to get to a positive solution.
5. When you feel stuck in your “discussion” try a repair attempt. They are the “secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples” according to Dr. John Gottman. Repair attempts are “any statement or action that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” Repairs can be cognitive strategies like compromise, taking a break, or asking for clarity. They can also be emotional repairs like expressing affection, taking responsibility or using humor. You can even take a break to go to the bathroom and use that time to regroup yourself and attempt a repair when you are done; that’s what I advise spouses to do when they feel stuck in a “discussion.”
Marriage works best when you both work together, united against the problems, not pitted against each other.
Keep these things in mind when you and your spouse have a “discussion.” Your relationship, your spouse, and your marriage will be better off for it.