Army Strong, Marriage Style

Long, long ago, in a city far, far away (Hanau, Germany, to be exact), two young kids met and fell in love.

Life was amazing! They could go on hikes in Switzerland, take the train to Paris, have goulash in Hungary… They thought to themselves, “Man, marriage is awesome. We’re totally rocking at this! I mean, honestly, how hard can it be?”

Well, fast forward about 15 years, four deployments, and three kids later, and those (formerly) young kids have the answer to that question…

Marriage can be hard.

Really, really hard.

Like, Houston-we-have-a-problem hard.

In the 15 years since we literally rode off into the sunset on a Harley, we’ve had a few nuggets of wisdom dropped into our marriage from friends, family, and relationship books that have completely changed the game for us and given us the tools to muscle our way through some tough issues.

Not without scrapes, not without bruises, but in tact and stronger on the other side.

So I figured, what the heck? Maybe if they helped us, they might help someone else too. So without further ado, here are six relationship nuggets:

Nugget 1: Love can be a foreign language.

Did you know there are different ways people give and receive love, and if you aren’t speaking the right language, your spouse might not recognize it?

Gary Chapman, in his book The 5 Love Languages, describes each one: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Each person has a “language” that makes them feel loved, which also means they probably speak that language the best, too.

That’s great if you and your spouse have the same love language, but odds are, you don’t.

For example, my main love language is quality time. Hopping in the car and taking road trips, sitting on the couch watching a movie, eating dinner together as a family, all speak love to me much more than the other four. Because this is my main love language, it’s the one that comes easiest to me to also show others.

But guess what? That’s not my husband’s language—his is words of affirmation.

He feels the most loved when I tell him he’s doing a great job providing for our family or how much I appreciate him doing “x” for us when I know he’s tired after working all day—anything that verbally lets him know how much I love him for who he is.

Learn your spouse’s love language and speak it to them. Heck, read the book together so your spouse knows yours, too!

Nugget 2: Understand fixing vs. listening.

This one came straight out of pre-marital counseling, and honestly, when I first heard it, it didn’t seem that important. Like, who would not want help fixing their issues?

Turns out, sometimes me.

Sometimes I just want to vent daily frustrations to my husband and have him nod and smile, humoring me. The teller at the bank had an attitude and rubbed me the wrong way? The mailman left a box sitting on the porch in the rain? The kids are driving me crazy and I want to close myself in our room and let the dog cook them dinner?

Those are all just vents.

Just listen to me complain for a minute, and then I’m done.

However, there are some things that I actually want help with, that I want my husband to fix. Sometimes a wife just wants her husband to go to bat for them, you know what I mean? And this goes both ways—there are times when Josh just wants me to shut my trap and let him vent his work frustrations without offering to “go down there and knock some skulls together” for him.

My suggestion? Ask your spouse at the beginning, “Do you want me to listen, or do you want me to fix it?” That single question has saved us so many arguments because we know up front what our spouse wants.

Nugget 3: Love and respect are not the same thing.

I still remember learning about this concept at a marriage study, and it kind of rocked my world. For anyone familiar with the bible, Ephesians 5:22-33 are some hard verses to swallow: Wives must submit to their husbands in all things, and husbands must love their wives as Christ loved the church.

Um, say what now? What do you mean submit?

Well, Dr. Eggerichs, in his book Love and Respect, describes “submit” by using the word “respect” to explain what it is that a woman should do for her husband.

In a perfect world, you’d respect him in the same way you want him to love you, and then he’ll love you in the same way he wants your respect, and then you will respect him because he’s loving you, and then he will love you because you’re respecting him…

Do you see the cycle?

Unfortunately, all it takes is one break in the chain and this can go downhill quickly, leading to misunderstandings and fights. And just speaking about my own marriage, it’s easy to unintentionally disrespect my husband by my words, actions, even my facial expressions, especially when I feel like he’s being unloving. I want to defend myself and hurt him the way I feel hurt, and it’s hard to make the choice to not do that.

Self-preservation is real, y’all.

Here’s a different way to look at it: speak to your spouse the same way you want your child’s spouse to speak to them. Imagine them all grown up, visiting, and their spouse is treating them horribly. Wouldn’t that make you spittin’ mad? Then don’t let them learn that behavior from how they see you and your spouse interacting.

Nugget 4: What happens in marriage, stays in marriage.

This kind of has a Vegas feel to it, am I right?

But this one is fairly straightforward: marriage isn’t high school, where every little grievance you have with your immature boyfriend or girlfriend should be shared with all your friends, gossiped about over drinks, and posted publicly on your number of social sites.

If you have an issue with your spouse, speak to your spouse!

How better to fix your issues than to communicate with each other about what went wrong? Bonus points if you don’t yell or curse, and extra bonus points if you spend as much time listening as you do talking. Now, I get there will be exceptions to this—there are times when it’s necessary to discuss your marriage issues with an outside person.

Your heart will know the difference. What’s your intention in sharing? Is it to shame, embarrass, or gossip about your spouse? Or does your spouse or marriage truly need outside help? Your marriage is worth fighting for, and it’s hard to do that if you run and complain to everyone who will listen.

As a side note, I’d also suggest to pick your battles. Not every little thing needs to be brought up and hashed out—that’s just being nitpicky.

Nugget 5: Speaking of fighting…

You gotta fight fair!

Listen, I know everyone has their own ways of communicating, especially in “heated discussions.” Some people are passive, some are aggressive, and some are a crazy hybrid of the two, switching back and forth depending on what the situation is.

Me? I’m what I like to call a Volcano. I blow it all out at once, all hot and angry, and then I’m a peaceful mountain once more. My husband is more like an old dial-up computer. He’ll take his sweet time processing, deciding what to say and the perfect way to say it, and then communicate when he’s good and ready.

Both of these have strengths and weaknesses, and over our 15 years together, we’ve figured out how to make this work for us. He doesn’t mind me arguing my point out quickly and angrily, and then (I swear this is true) I will grab a book and chill out and wait for him to be ready. He’ll come back and we work it out together.

The important thing here is that you are working it out in a way that leaves you both feeling loved and respected. Don’t let that anger sit and rot, growing more and more lethal over time, because it will erode your marriage away.

And finally, Nugget 6: Find the humor!

Problems are going to come, no doubt about it. Some might be small problems, like his habit of using the last of something but putting it back in the fridge anyway (this drives me insane), or the fact that he can never remember my Starbucks order and I’ve been getting the same drink for years.

Or some might be huge problems, like your second daughter having a serious heart defect, almost dying at 8 days old, and then needing six massive surgeries in her short 8 years. Trying to find the joy in situations can keep you sane, but finding joy can be hard when all you want to do is sit and be miserable.

You have to make the choice to say “There’s good to be found; we just need to look.”

I’m a firm believer that the couple that laughs together, stays together, and one of God’s mercies to Josh and me is that we’re never miserable at the same time.

He’s having a rough patch? I’ll make him laugh.

I’m having a crappy week? He’ll give bear hugs and bring me tea.

All that to say, try to find some small ray of sunshine to make you smile, even in the dark. And try to be that ray of sun for your spouse when they need it.

Marriage can be tough, you guys, especially for a military spouse. It takes grit, strength, and determination, no matter if you’ve been married 1 year or 40. I shall leave you with these words: May the odds be ever in your favor.