Every military spouse knows that it is a highly demanding role. That is not a shock to any of us anymore. We all know it means that you are often on your own in a new place, handling everything from household chores to emotional support to unpacking 1,000 boxes while your partner serves. I don’t have to tell you it is a lot to manage. I think it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed, dead tired or even resentful at times.
Where I know resentment can begin popping up is when you feel like you’re carrying too much alone, when sacrifices go unnoticed or when the responsibilities feels neverending. We can’t only spend our time taking care of everyone else, we have to make time and space for ourselves.
I guarantee your probably doing a better job that you think! Especially on the days when it feels like too much. I know you’re still showing up, rain or ‘shine and keeping things running. You’ll find the key isn’t to eliminate resentment or stress entirely (literaly not possible). We have to find ways to manage it for ourselves so that we can help the people around us for the long-haul.
Here’s some ways to help you do that-
Why Resentment and Role Overload Happen
Let me say why these feelings pop up in the first place.
1. The Invisible Stresses We Face
Us wives are always juggling a hundred and one things – managing deployments, coordinating moves, handling finances and taking care of the kids without always getting recognition. Our “invisible workload” can lead to frustrations where it feels like our efforts go unnoticed.
2. The Pressure to Be “Strong” 24/7
Military life is all about strength and self-sufficiency. While strength is admirable, it can also mean that you think you have shoulder the burden all by yourself. That you need to “keep it together” for the sake of your family.
3. Unpredictable Demands
None of our lives are ever totally predictable, I am talking about surprise duty changes and last minute emergencies. Military life doesnt always follow a schedule. This unpredictability can make it hard for us to plan which means uncertainty leading to stress and exhaustion.
4. Lack of Control Over Your Partner’s Schedule
You cant decide when or how your spouse deploys,if he gets called away or faces long work hours. This lack of control can make us feel powerless. This is especially true when responsibilities pile up in their absence.
5. Comparing Yourself to Everyone Else
Social media can sometimes make it seem like all the other wife’s have it all together and that you don’t. But remember everyones situation is different and we are all human with our own imperfections.
How We Can Manage Resentment and Role Overload
Feeling overwhelmed doesn’t meant that we are failing, it means that we are human. I want you to think about how we can manage these feeling and shift our perspectives, not try to be free of them which often times just isn’t possible with all that life throws at us.
1. Acknowledging Your Feelings Isn’t a Weakness
It’s impossible to fix or change something until we can recognize what is going on.
- Journaling: Putting our thoughts down on paper help us rightsize them and organize them.
- Talking to a trusted friend: Sometimes just explaining what is going on can help us get some relief.
- Reframing your thoughts: I try to look at things differently, like instead of “I’m stuck doing everything,” I say to myself “One brick at a time is how houses get built”
2. Set Your Boundaries
Everything you say yes to means something else you are saying no to, like time to destress.
- Say no when it makes sense, there is always more to do and pressure to do it all but sometimes that pressure is all internal.
- Delegating tasks: take advantage of help where you can get it! Friends, family even just having kids help with everyday tasks can help ease the burden.
- Protecting your time, I try to make a habit of setting aside 10 minutes a day of quiet time just for myself in the morning, even just that can make a difference.
3. Communicate Your Needs
Your spouse wants to support you, sometimes we let resentment build despite never having told anyone of what we wanted.
- Don’t feel guilty communicating and try communicating without expectations.
- Asking for something specific, like it would really help me out if you took over transport duties on Wednesday nights.
- Scheduling check-in, don’t let yourself get caught up in the everyday hustle, set aside a few minutes each week to check-in.
4. Find Support in the Military Community
You’re never alone! All of us have been there before and we have your back.
- Other military spouses know better than anyone what you are going through, build a network and don’t look back.
- I always recommend taking advantage of mil fam support programs, check your base for counseling, childcare and other resources.
- Always be open to help, it can come in so many different forms and places, you might find support in a facebook group or at a book club.
When to Get Professional Help
If things are getting overwhelming there is no reason not to talk to a professional, if not for you for your family that needs you. I wish there wasn’t a stigma here, I just think of all the families and relationships that could have been saved with just a little help. Don’t let that be you!