5 Tips for Better Discussions
A couple of weeks ago my bride and I had a “discussion” (not the first of our discussions in marriage). The project I had been planning was due, and I was running around at the last minute trying to gather all the things I needed. It went something like this:
Me: I’m trying to find X, have you seen it?
Her: No, haven’t seen it.
Me: I need it for this project and feel like I’ve looked everywhere!
Her: You’ve had lots of time to find it, why are you looking for it now?
Me: Because I’m a last minute person, you know that.
Her: I think you should have looked for it yesterday.
Me: OK.
Her: And that’s my last word on this!
Me: No, it isn’t.
Her: You’re probably right.
Both of us start laughing.
I finally found what I was looking for and was able to finish the project on time. Our discussion could have become messy, but we are committed to getting things right in our marriage.
Here are five things to remember to have successful discussions in your marriage:
1. It’s normal to experience conflict or have “discussions.”
It may be caused be a simple difference in opinion or a complex difference in core values. Differences are not right or wrong, they are only different. It’s OK to disagree. Conflict about differences doesn’t necessarily lead to fighting.
2. Make sure that you is hear each other.
In general, people listen long enough to format their reply, rationale, or defense and then wait for their turn to speak (or don’t). Use Jeopardy! rules for your discussions: You can’t press the buzzer to respond until the whole question has been asked.
3. Treat each other respectfully.
Enough said.
4. Keep it positive.
If you start the “discussion” negatively, then it makes it much, much harder to get to a positive solution.
5. Use repair attempts when needed.
When you feel stuck in your “discussion,” try a repair attempt. They are the “secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples,” according to Dr. John Gottman. Repair attempts are “any statement or action that prevent negativity from escalating out of control.” Repairs can be cognitive strategies like compromise, taking a break, or asking for clarity. They can also be emotional repairs like expressing affection, taking responsibility, or using humor. You can even take a break to go to the bathroom and use that time to regroup yourself, then return and attempt a repair; that’s what I advise spouses to do when they feel stuck in a “discussion.”
Marriage works best when you both work together, united against the problems, not pitted against each other.
Keep these things in mind when you and your spouse have a “discussion.” Your relationship, spouse, and marriage will be better off for it.
