Field Problem: And Baby Makes Two (or Three)

Dear, Field Problems:

I’m in a little bit of a different situation recently. I am the proud father of a new baby boy. His mother and I are not together. This is my first, and I’ve never had to address the meshing of my military career with family matters. What can you tell me that may stop my feeling that I’m going to compound my mistakes?

Andrew; Fort Gordon, GA; Army soldier of 10 years

Dear, Andrew:

Congratulations on becoming a father. Welcome to the world of parenting!

Let us say that writing Field Problems was not a mistake. Yours is the first question that we’ll address from a soldier—a male soldier to boot—and we do so in order to recognize you for your courage and (might we assume) interest in being the best dad there ever was. And, seeing that we’re parents and military spouses too, we think we can share some ways you can put your best foot forward.

We suggest you think about the following three things, devise a strategy, and finally put your plan into action for a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship with your new son and his mother.

Baby makes three not two.

Two was when you and your baby’s mother met. Even though you “are not together,” she may forever be in your life. You must co-exist for the benefit of your son. So, the three of you must develop strategies and patterns that will help to minimize power struggles and ambiguities.

Really, if you think on it long enough, having your son has not just expanded your family from one to three, but to 23 or 33. There are now grandmas, grandpas, friends, and relatives that all want to know about him and how you’re doing. Embrace those interested, because it’s those same people that you’ll be looking at soon when you must solidify your family care plan. Until now, you may have only heard of a family care plan or seen others go through that preparedness drill—it is now part of your world, and you must do it right.

Go here for a comprehensive family care plan overview. It will entail coordination of short- and long-term care providers, Powers of Attorney paperwork, and medical benefit decisions. Eventually, it will be “all together,” and you’ll be able to take a breath knowing that your new military family is informed and prepared for all their military life—by extension—entails.

Perfection is not a reality.

As parents, we have to remind ourselves that perfection is not reality. Admittedly, there is a mistake or two in your scenario, but the past does not dictate the future. You’ve stepped beyond yourself to search for ways to become a better dad. The domino effect may even result in you becoming a better soldier, son, friend, or future husband too. So, the next step should be to forgive yourself for the past and stop beating yourself up about it.

Consider taking some classes or gathering resources that can help you guard against mistakes in the future. Keep in mind that you’ll not only need support as a parent, but also as a single guy attempting to make a more suitable choice for a long-term relationship. We, of course, have a few in mind.

Here are some parenting links that might help:

• Zero to Three offers reading material and downloadable audio files covering topics as broad-ranged as toddler holiday stress to keeping toddlers connected to their deployed parent.
• A New Parent Support Program is offered at your local installation’s Army Community Service Building.
• The National Fatherhood Initiative exists to “educate, equip, and engage” fathers in order to improve the quality of life for their children. Military OneSource has coordinated with them to make an interactive guide available that assists fathers in gaining self-awareness and other tools to better balance a busy work life with life at home. You can find the Military OneSource information here.

Fatherhood is forever.

When you are done being a soldier, you will still be a father. It’s who you are and who you will be from now on. Just like you wouldn’t dream of undertaking the next mission without a plan that included a complete review of your strengths and weaknesses, so should you not attempt to parent without a plan. So strive to do it well now, in the beginning, and into the future.

Experts say that military children are well-rounded, culturally curious, tolerant, and extremely resilient. This does not happen by accident. Those same qualities are in every good soldier and military parent, so work to cultivate those values.

We promise your Army Strong family—no matter the size—will be worth the effort. Best of Luck.