Hello from the Other Side of Depression
When questioned about the mystery guy who inspired her hit song, “Hello,” Adele answered that it was, in part, a song to herself and some of the people around her. At first, I thought that was crazy talk. And then I spent a month on new meds, and I understood.
Yes, I am one of thousands of military spouses and veterans experiencing what a dear friend called “Better living through chemical enhancement!” After having two kids in two years and two deployments in a similar time frame, we finally moved to the place where I went to high school, the place that I consider home.
“How then,” I reasoned with myself, “could I be depressed?”
I’d gotten exactly what I wanted: A big house, a thriving business, two happy kids, and a husband in a non-deployable unit. I waited nine months after moving to see a doctor, and the first thing she did was change my birth control. I’d gained a lot of weight, was always tired and sore, had bad insomnia, and my hair was falling out.
“Come back in three months if you don’t feel better.”
I didn’t feel better in three months. I actually felt worse. So I went back, and I saw a different doctor. She tested my thyroid, declared it a likely culprit, and gave me a synthetic TSH.
“Come back in three months!” she said.
The physical symptoms such as hair falling out, being sore all the time, and others were gone within a week. My birthday, my husband’s birthday, and the holidays came and went. I went back in after the first of the new year, and she asked me how I was feeling.
“Well, my hair is growing back, I’m not as sore, and I’m sleeping better, but I’m still really tired all the time.”
“A too-tired-to-deal-with-life type of tired?”
“Yes.” I shrugged. “Do you need to up my Synthroid?”
“No, honey. Your numbers are better. Could you be depressed?”
“No way.” I blurted, but then I thought back on my years of studying psychology. “Well, I guess maybe.”
“Okay.” She said gently. “Let’s try adding in an antidepressant.”
The word sounded foreign to me and didn’t feel good on my tongue when I tried it out by talking to my husband as he met me in the lobby. I waited 90 minutes with my youngest (sick) daughter for my meds, more frustrated than ever once I got home. Mental illness runs in my family, but as the crunchy, healthy, resilient Marine, this was not part of my plan.
Any time you add a new medication, it takes your body a few days and up to several weeks to adjust, but by day three, I felt like I was kicking butt and conquering galaxies. It’d been more than a year since I felt that great. I even came home from school and cleaned toilets.
A few days after that, I heard Adele’s song come through on the local Top 40 station and caught myself tearing up a little because I knew it was what I wanted to say to my family and to myself.
“Hello from the other side…” I sang.
I’d made it to the other side, and things were looking up.
My only regret was that I convinced myself to put off going when I could have been feeling better a long time ago (and probably also not gained 40 pounds!).
If you are feeling exhausted, depressed, or unlike yourself or know someone who does, encourage them to seek help. Having friends who shared their own struggles, and eventual triumphs, with me was what motivated me to finally realize that what I was going through was common, but didn’t have to be permanent.
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