Pregnancy Loss and the Military Spouse

Pregnancy loss, miscarriage, stillbirth—there are difficult subjects to talk about and even more difficult to endure.

Statistically, one in four women will suffer pregnancy loss. That translates into one in four dads and one in four families that have experienced the loss of a baby—and one in four military families.

The military doesn’t shield us from this sad statistic. Pregnancy loss touches the lives of nearly everyone we encounter each day in one way or another.

With so many lives affected by this type of loss, then why does there seem to be such a cone of silence around this subject?

Death is an uncomfortable and painful subject.

Death affects us all. It reminds us of our humanity and that we, personally, will face death some day. Most of us have lost someone near and dear to us, so talking about grief and loss is painful. It conjures up those painful memories of the ones we’ve lost. It may feel morbid to speak of death and cause us to be fearful. So, in order to cope, we simply bottle it up and ignore it.

We have experienced pregnancy loss ourselves.

To many moms, miscarriage or stillbirth brings a sense of shame and guilt to those who have experienced it. Our minds reel with all the should have’s and could have’s; we blame ourselves for losing our child. We fear others will blame us, too or dismiss us by telling us to “move on” or “try again.”

Women feel they shouldn’t burden others with their grief; men feel ashamed to show their grief. Our culture seems to have a timetable for mourning, urging us to hurry through it. If a painful memory is triggered months or years later, it’s taboo to even bring it up.

People don’t know what to say or how to act around someone in mourning.

It’s perfectly normal to ask, “What do I say?” “What should I do?” We feel helpless when someone we care for is grieving. We awkwardly give trite condolences, sometimes adding further injury unintentionally.

Here are a few tips for showing your love and concern during a time of bereavement. This isn’t all-inclusive, and each situation and person is different, but this may help you feel better equipped to reach out to someone facing pregnancy loss:

• Ask how far along they were, and what their pregnancy was like.

• Ask them if they have a name for their baby.

• Listen patiently and attentively to anything and everything they want to share with you.

• Offer to bring a meal to them or watch their other children for a few hours. When you ask a parent who is grieving what you can do as a general, open-ended question, they can’t think of anything tangible because their minds are in a swirl of emotion, or they feel they are imposing upon you. Instead, say something like, “Tuesday evening I would like to bring dinner to your house for you and your family. Do you like lasagna? Are there any allergies I should be aware of?”

• Be willing to sit with them as they cry, or in the silence so they know they aren’r alone. Personally having suffered the stinging grief of pregnancy loss, there are no words in the world that can make things better. The sweetest thing anyone ever did for me during my time of bereavement was just sitting with me in silence after I cried myself out, feeling utterly empty inside. Having my friend there in that darkest hour, though no words were spoken, I felt loved, accepted, and less alone in my pain.

Military moms enduring bereavement need our care and support. No one should go through it alone.

As military spouses, I would love to see us more sensitive to those around us who have suffered loss. Military life can be isolating and magnify the scope of grief we feel over the loss of our babies. We likely don’t have family around, our partners may be deployed, and we may be new to the community without friends nearby.  

Writing this blog post on grief and loss reminds me of the importance of reaching out to others within my neighborhood, my spouse’s unit, my church, my children’s school. There are so many reasons why we, as military spouses, need each other. Be that someone. No one should go through this alone.