The Best Deployment Ever

I bet I know your reaction to my use of “best deployment.” I bet you scoffed or guffawed, saying, there is no such thing.

It’s like saying, “most enjoyable root canal ever” or “greatest day spent at the DMV ever.”

Because let’s be honest, the real “best deployment ever” is probably no deployment at all.

But when you’re married to a service member, we take what we can get. How about we compromise and say that this post is about the second best deployment ever, yes?

Now that we have that settled…

Recently, my husband and I experienced what we view as the best deployment ever.

Here’s why:

1. It was non-combat
2. It was only three months long. (As opposed to his previous deployments of 18 months, 15 months, and 12 months.)
3. I, as a military spouse, grew leaps and bounds in all things personal-spouse-ish-marriage.

Let me explain.

My husband, Brandon, and I have a good marriage. We love each other, and we work at our marriage (well, at least when he’s not kicking in doors, and I’m not mopping up spilled Cheerios). I am so very proud of his call to serve in the United States Army. (Wanna hear me brag about my hubs on the air? Check out this Army Wife Talk Radio post.)

But as we rounded out year seven of our relationship, something just seemed a bit… off.

(Random side note: Did you know that studies say that year seven of a relationship is often one of the most difficult? Something about this is the season that is usually the “little kid” stage of parenting—the newness and excitement of the relationship has long since worn off, high stress, life transitions, etc.)

So yes, something was kind of missing.

Thus, last fall, we attended a marriage retreat called “Weekend to Remember.” (They have free scholarships for military couples. All you have to do is pay for your transportation and lodging. Click here for more info.)

At the conference, the switch was flipped, and we were like, “whoa.”

Our good marriage was just that—good. We needed to get to work to bring it up a notch or twelve to make it great.

Fast forward a few months and we are facing this most recent deployment. From the outside looking in, the timing seemed pretty annoying. We were just starting to get our groove of getting things tweaked relationship-speaking when he was heading off to do stuff somewhere in the Pacific.

But wouldn’t you know… the timing was perfect.

Because those three months were the ideal opportunity to work on me and what I’ve been called to do as a military spouse.

We spent some time with the Chaplain Family Life Center here at Joint Base Lewis McChord chatting about all things marriage. (It was probably more like marriage coaching and encouragement, but I highly recommend it to all couples everywhere.) Our rockstar chaplain recommended we read Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’s book Love and Respect.

Talk about an epiphany!

I literally used up an entire orange gel highlighter on that book. Apparently, I’d been majorly missing the mark when it came to expressing respect to my husband.

It was a very necessary #YayYikes moment for my service member-loving heart!

If you haven’t read the book, let me give you an incredibly simplified synopsis:

Men need respect; women need love. Our men know we love them (because that’s the language we speak) but many men don’t know that their wives respect them, which equals my relationship gap issue.

We spent most of our time on what Eggerichs calls the Crazy Cycle: wife feels unloved, so she is disrespectful to her husband; husband feels disrespected, so he is less than motivated to show love to his wife.

And around and around we went.

The mid-way goal is to get off the Crazy Cycle and onto the Energizing Cycle: wife shows respect, so husband feels respected and thus more easily shows wife love; wife feels loved, so she shows respect.

Then we resolve our differences, kiss, make up, and live happily ever after. (Well, kinda.)

The eventual goal is to end up on the Rewarding Cycle: each person in the relationship shows and expresses what the other person needs regardless of how they themselves feel.

So, armed with this new revelation, I went to work. I spent the next three months reading, learning, studying, praying, and wrestling with the truths I found in that book. I made a list of how I can outwardly express respect to my husband.

I even went so far as to get a tattoo on my forearm for his birthday so I would never, ever forget to respect him again. (It was also his welcome home surprise.)

(My disclaimer with this tat: I likely won’t get “respecting him” right every time, but dang it—I am committed!)

Now we’re well through the reintegration phase and let me tell you—it’s like we’re in a new marriage.

Is it still hard? Heck yes. Old habits, attitudes, vocal tones, and angry eyebrow movements are difficult to change.

But has it been worth it? Absolutely.

Yes, I would have to say that this truly was the best deployment ever.

Dear readers, do you rock at respecting your husband? How do you show him respect? Join in and leave a comment.