The Importance of Support

Sometimes the life of the military spouse flows like a gentle creek babbling along peacefully. You find yourself with content children, your service member isn’t deployed and is engaged at home, you’ve been sticking to your family budget, and the cat hasn’t thrown up on the carpet once this week.

Things are a-flowin’ quite nicely.

Unfortunately, life is rarely so smooth.

Instead of that peaceful creek in the backyard, your life is more like a clogged toilet. It’s clogged because your sweet toddler decided it was time for Spiderman to learn to swim the morning that your service member is busy getting ready to leave on a three-month deployment.

There are times when the combined efforts of your responsibilities (taking care of yourself, being an awesome spouse, being a loving parent, taking school to further your career, working outside the home, cleaning up cat puke) converge, leaving your face mascara-streaked from crying in the dark corner of the bathroom. You think to yourself, “Is this what I signed up for? Why am I doing this? I have so much going on!”

And guess what? You’re right. You do have so much going on.

This is why, in the midst of a busy, toilet-type stage of life, it’s important for you and your life-partner in crime to support one another. When you start feeling overwhelmed by daily life, it helps to have your service member’s shoulder to lean upon, doesn’t it?

But here’s the kicker—sometimes your service member needs you, too.

We often get wrapped up in selfishly thinking that all the things are happening to us.

I don’t get to see my spouse for a month.

I have to make these people dinner again.

I never get an all-expenses paid trip to Honolulu for a weeklong class (does this annoy anyone else? No? Just me?).

Remember, your service member doesn’t get to be in their own home with their family for a month.

Your spouse just spent their whole day immersed in military work craziness.

Your spouse would take you to Hawaii if they could (or so they insist).

Example time! My husband was recently hired at a new unit, so things are busy. He is simultaneously teaching the incoming guy for his old job while learning the ropes at the new one. He’s also working on an intensive master’s degree program that keeps him waking up at 4 a.m. to be sure he has time to complete assignments. He’s devoted to his family and wants to make sure he gets time with us. He’s sure to get his workouts in.

He’s quickly found that, right now, his life is in “clogged toilet” mode.

He is busy and he is stressed. The last thing he needs is a spouse nagging him or attempting to attribute guilt to his efforts.

I found that my default response is not support, however. I genuinely miss him and become jealous of the laptop and books he is constantly poring over. I know I’m prettier than that book. Nevertheless, it’s part of my job as his wife to support him in his pursuits, just like it’s part of his job to support me.

It just happens to be that at this point in our lives, it’s me that needs to help prop him up.

If you start feeling like your service member is your roommate, it’s time to have a talk. Your spouse might not realize that you need quality time to feel close or that you are in need of some help. They know you’re independent and strong. You’ve handled worse. While this can be taken as a compliment (and is true), it’s important to build a strong relationship with the person you married.

No one likes to feel lonely when their loved one is home—busy with life or not.

Talk to them (try it without screaming, tears, or hair pulling) and calmly tell them how you feel. Here’s a script if you aren’t sure:

You: Can we talk?

Them: Looks up warily from text book: Of course.

You: How can I support you and make your life less stressful in this busy time?

Husband: Wow, I guess it would help if you would entertain the kids on Saturday afternoons so I could get ahead on my [important life goal here].

You: Super, I will try and do that for you. Can we discuss ways that might help me, so that I could support you more [this is where you discuss expectations, time spent together, time management—whatever is going to help you want to support your partner].

As a military spouse, you will have seasons of life that are jam-packed. Make sure that this busy military lifestyle doesn’t drive the two of you apart, but opens your eyes to how to function as a team.