The Pros and Cons of Living with In-Laws

When military spouses are faced with a long separation from their service member, either due to deployments or training, we then have to decide whether to stay at the duty station or move home with family.

For the first three deployments, I remained at the duty station, even when my daughter (Avalyn) was born and a week later my husband, Alan, deployed to South Korea. But when my husband both received a transition MOS and a new duty station, I was given the decision to remain in Fairbanks, Alaska, or move home with family in Ohio. This time I took the leap and moved Avalyn and myself home while we wait for Alan to finish school.

For a month now we’ve been living with my in-laws and staying with other family members from time to time. It’s not exactly how I pictured things would go, and I’ve remembered how nice it was to sleep in my own bed. But as I sit in the quiet living room waiting for the rest of the family to wake up, I realize the benefits of staying with family during times of separation.

For those who are considering moving home with family, here are some pros and cons to living with your in-laws:

Pros:

1. Saving your BAH. Since we’re staying with family and not having to pay rent, utilities, or an internet or cable bill, we get to save all that money each month and stash it in our savings account. I’m also using my sister’s spare car, not worrying about a car payment. While I’m missing my husband, I’m also dreaming about the amazing vacation we’ll be able to take because of all the money we’re saving.

2. A helping hand. Since this is the first time I’ve lived close to family since having Avalyn, I’ve missed out on months and months of babysitters and an extra helping hand. When we first arrived in Ohio after being awake for 24 hours, my mother-in-law promptly took Avalyn to the park down the road to play while I slept for several hours. It is an amazing feeling knowing Avalyn has countless aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents to play with and spend time with while I catch my breath. Now I understand why people don’t move away from their family.

3. Unforgettable memories. The best part about living with your family during the summer is getting to go on day trips and weekend trips, all while creating unforgettable memories. I love to travel and, thankfully, my family does, too. It’s the beginning of June, and already all my weekends are booked through July with trips to the zoo, Niagara Falls, and even New York City. There are plenty of people to travel with, making travel convenient and affordable. I honestly will consider traveling in groups for the rest of my life.

Cons:

1. It isn’t your house. We all have that sister, aunt, or mother who likes to do things a certain way. When you live with someone else, you have to learn how to do things their way. After all, it’s their house. Thankfully, my mother-in-law likes to learn how I do things, too. We share our deep cleaning and organization secrets. When the kids spilled juice on the carpet, I dumped a cup of water on it and grabbed the shop-vac to suck up the mess without leaving a stain. I’m proud to teach others what I’ve learned, but I also take into consideration how other people do things around the house. It’s a win-win situation.

2. Living out of a suitcase. Since I have a large family, and they all live in Ohio, Avalyn and I tend to hop around a lot, staying one night here, a few nights there. It makes it difficult to unpack and settle in. I keep one giant suitcase ready for overnight stays and always bring laundry soap with us so we can do laundry when we need to. It makes me feel like we’re nomads, not really needing to be at any particular place or being forced to return to the same home every day. We can go and do as we please, visit with who we want, and stay were we need to stay. I imagine this is what it will be like when I someday win the lottery and can travel the world for the rest of my life. I see this period of time as practice for that day.

3. More laundry. When you stay with family, you want to help out around the house. But one of my phobias is stinky, dirty clothes. That is why my husband cleans his own uniforms and underwear. I still try to help out with my in-laws’ laundry by taking the clean clothes out of the dryer and folding them. But the other day, Avalyn took father-in-law’s dirty socks and brought them over to me, obviously so proud of what she was able to accomplish. Even though I was mortified, I praised Avalyn for her good work and helping hands, then quickly scurried down the hallway to put them in the dirty clothes bin. I scrubbed my hands before returning to the living room.

The point of this story is that, like any duty station or any place in the world we live, we have to make the most out of the situation. Being home with family gives me the opportunity to help out where I can. I now have all this free time without my own house to command.

Grocery shopping is done with the family instead of for my own family, so it’s like we’re all working together to not only survive but enjoy this summer. I miss my husband, no doubt about that, but I’ve chosen to make this separation amazing for Avalyn and myself. There will be plenty of photos and memories that I’ll write down and stick into scrapbooks. This time will be reflected with happiness and joy, forgetting the sorrow of separation.

Learn more about enjoying these times of separation here.

And for all those other decisions to be made before a deployment, check out this article here.